Now that you have identified your conflict style, you are ready to take on the challenge of responding differently. This can be tough because your conflict style may be deeply rooted, even having a whole set of neural pathways in your brain ready to flip out in your particular fashion. But, every time you respond differently to conflict, you create new neural pathways, so it will eventually become easier to make those different choices.
Recognize when you are Triggered
The single most important thing to do when entering conflict is to notice when you or your partner become triggered. By “triggered,” I mean that you begin to have feelings of irritation, annoyance, anger, or frustration. This may manifest as an increased heart rate, sweaty palms, a change in facial expression, becoming red in the face, or a variety of other physiological responses. Also, you may notice a shift in your or your partner’s tone of voice, cadence, or pitch. Early detection and intervention is critical for being able to consciously respond to conflict situations.
Self-Regulation
If you notice that you are triggered, the most important thing that you can do is to pause. “Practice the pause” is vital because when you are triggered, your mind has jumped into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When this happens, your mind is not accessing the smart part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex. Rather, you are in survival mode, where you are either going to lash out (fight), leave (flee), or shut down (freeze). Notice how the fight corresponds to the push conflict style, while fleeing reflects the running style.
One thing that will help you recognize that this conflict is not a life or death situation and return to calm is time. It is not uncommon for someone to need 20 minutes from a small trigger to fully return to homeostasis. For larger conflicts between people who have a hard time regulating their nervous system, it may take several days to recover.
People often find that consciously breathing while pausing helps. Breathing in through the nose and having an extended exhale through the mouth has been found to be a helpful technique to regulate the nervous system. Breathing out for about twice as long is you breath in is a good rule of thumb. But, make sure you don’t get light headed or dizzy.
If breathing doesn’t work for you, you need to find something else that calms you down. This could be going for a walk, taking a shower, immersing yourself in a project, exercise, self-empathy, or talking with a friend. You don’t need to figure out all the answers, just calm down.
Own Your Part
After you have relaxed, then I invite you to reflect on your role in the conflict. What does this conflict teach you about how you need to grow? Describe your responsibility in this conflict? What do you regret in terms of how you acted?
Also, it is helpful to get clear on what feelings were alive for you and what needs were not being met for you. For example, perhaps you were feeling hurt because your needs for respect were not met. Or, maybe you felt disappointed because your needs for consideration and support were not met. Getting clear on your feelings and needs helps you get to the core of what was going on for you and what you value.
Take your Partner’s Perspective
Now that you have explored your side, it is time to consider what was going on for your partner. What were their core feelings? What needs were not met for them? Really attempt to get into their shoes and imagine what was going on for them. What insights arise for you as a result of this process? Remember that you are only guessing at this point, and you will have an opportunity later to see if your guesses are accurate. You are not finished with this phase until you have authentic respect for your partner and their experience.
Agreements about Taking Space and Returning
When you or your partner take space, it is important that you both agree ahead of time to let each other go. DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR PARTNER OR RESTRICT THEM FROM LEAVING! This will only exacerbate the problem, destroy trust, and damage safety in the relationship.
With the agreement to let each other go when calling a time out, you also need to commit to reconnecting with each other after you are back to baseline. Whoever calls the timeout is responsible for returning to the other person when calm and communicating in some fashion “I’m back. I care about you. I’m ready to hear you. I want to learn from this experience. When would be a good time to talk?”
Adhering to these agreements builds trust and safety, which comprise the foundation of your relationship. The more you trust that your partner will return to you when they take space, the more comfortable you will feel letting them go. The more you trust that your partner will let you go and welcome you back, the more comfortable you will be in leaving and coming back.
Conclusion
All of these aspects of preparing for conflict do not need to happen every conflict. Just pick and choose what works for you and your partner. You may find that you don’t even need to take space when you are triggered and that you can manage your own triggering while being fully present with your partner’s state of upset. The main point is to not interact when you can’t manage your own triggered state. It just doesn’t work!
Now that you have prepared for conflict, you are ready to have Transformative Conflict!